Anyone Can Look Holy

{ AnYoNe Can Look HoLy } This was my son yesterday. Hilarious ~ my five year old Jacob sported a distinctive arrangement of black facial hair! He got that look from me. no.no.very funny. not any goatee growing facial hair gene. I was the sharpie marker wielding artist! He was so very pleased with his new appearance. It made him look like a bad guy he said. Oh yeah. with his whiskers, fuzzy construction-themed pj's and Sarah's pink cowgirl gun that he was toting around...intimidating bad guy indeed. And then last night, Jacob's new look became rather smeary, until bathtime, when it washed off completely, darkening my ever-growing tub ring. ***** A few months ago, I came across this blog and was deeply touched by Carolyn's words and the excerpt that she included from "The Sacred Romance", ( 199-200.) "Last evening I was moaning to my husband and a friend that I am “too intense”, “too passionate” and that I “just want too much”! Today this is in my inbox - A Holy Longing "The whole life of the good Christian,” said Augustine, “is a holy longing.” Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn’t we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that’s the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she’s killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come.  In Paul’s words, we “groan inwardly as we wait eagerly” (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it... There may be times when all we have to go on is a sense of duty. But in the end, if that is all we have, we will never make it. Our Hero is the example. He’s run on before us and he’s made it; he’s there now. His life assures us it can be done, but only through passionate desire for the joy set before us." "I am thankful for how God brings things to us at perfect moments and for the people in my life who don’t let me go down the road of killing my heart." ***** I am humbled embarrassed to admit, that at my age, I am still in God's preschool class for challenged learners. He has me sitting right up front. And yet, I still find myself, turning around in my seat, distracted by others. I have this great idea, that if everyone else would stop throwing crayons, I could totally behave, you know, and not toss 'em back. I'd sit up and listen. But their elbow jabs and whispers of advice not only get my attention, my classroom time is spent trying to please my chair-kicking neighbor. I've been thinking. thinking about how my efforts at being something, someone I'm not... are as deeply intrinsic and long lasting "permanent" as my son's bad guy look with sharpie marker applied facial hair. I need to change. I want to change. I try to change. Which God knows, and everyone around me, that yes! there is lots to change in this girl! Absolutely. That's why I am in His preschool, ya know. But I am not to change WHO HE MADE ME TO BE.I am not responsible to control or change annoying crayon throwing classmates. Carefully applied sharpie marker for a quick new look, is still.just.carefully applied sharpie marker. Anyone can do that. AnYoNe can look HoLy. And fit. I have been distracted, vacillating between my Cindy-version of Cindy and my classmate's demanded version of how I should be. And who I should be. If I get something right...enough right...will they sit up? pay attention? and stop throwing things? It looks as balanced as Cindy playing on a see-saw at recess...all by herself. Exhausting. It gets very smeary...like markers...and wears off fast. somedays by the time breakfast is over. and always by the kid's bedtime. especially then. I am longing to learn to grow to become The Teacher's version of Cindy. Not my version. Not their version. But His! A Holy Spirit breathed, energized and directed Cindy! My heart burning within me! intensely beating! passionately feeling! eagerly anticipating! WHO HE MADE ME TO BE!!! And to conflate Carolyn's words with others that I just read, I am thankful for the friends in my life who don’t let me go down the road of killing my heart, but instead, giving me the grace to be... and the room to become!!!