Pittsburgh and Other Things

Yesterday I was in at the Triple A Travel Agency to request a copy of my driving record.
I started explaining my predicament.
"I really am a safe driver," I blurted like a complete idiot to the nice employee whose eyebrows probably retreated up under her bangs.

ohbrother.

She didn't need me to explain anything.

Nothing. nothing about recently navigating Pittsburgh. and not by myself. nono. but with wild.precious.wild.little kids.

And then the unexpected in that strange city. the who me? and what did i do? thoughts that always pop into my head when a police car with flashing lights pulls up behind me.

Or how year or so and maybe also three ago, I was caught speeding on you know that road...i'm thinking if you added 37 years to my age and i drove a buick then maybe i could go that slow...blahblahblah... and "Ma'am, I'm just wondering how many points I have left on my record."


here are the reasons why sarah, jacob and i spent a weekend in pittsburgh.
the men in our lives, along with a friend,  spent 2 days biking the great allegheny passage
from cumberland to pittsburgh for a total of *cue applause* 150.79 miles. 

 


So why was I all sheepish and defensive with this person who does.not.know me and does.not.care?

I hate when I do that.
I'll tell you why.

I was nervous. that's what.

and feeling...

vulnerable. too.

And maybe because I knew that she had a little piece of info about me and could very well make a decision about Who I Am based on that one thing...errrr...two violations.
Like she would.

or

Like I really care what Ms. Travel Agent thinks.





 
we were at the carnegie science museum for seven hours. yes. seven.
and they still weren't ready to leave when it closed. i sure was. ;)
but i do love that my kids love museums.


I don't care. not really.

Not at all when I stop and think about it.

It wasn't about her.

I let having those violations, citations, whatever-ations make me feel...
dumb. small. characterized.



the mononghalela inclined railway


And...it was even more about this thing I have going on.

This thing of just wanting to be liked and accepted.

And my reaction to experiences with people who really do matter to me.
A fear that someone won't give me a chance
if I inadvertantly offer what they decide as a good reason for such.

my issues are screaming. i know.But. If I am going around believing that others won't give me a chance...
isn't that me not giving them a chance?
Ironic, isn't it?
how quickly I can re-package what has hurt me
and repeat.that.very.same.thing.



on top of mt. washington.

I'm kinda.slowly.sorta.maybe.somedays learnING...

--how that thing isn't naughty, it's His design for us to be wanted. liked. accepted.
--about how i've twisted it all up, my fear of "man" and the unhealthy pursuit of human approval.
--to take that thing to Jesus; His love, acceptance and the safe place where He whispers to each of us, you are my favorite.--and more. on and on and on. and this is so not a post about all that.


I want to remember...
that whatever seems so loud and obvious
always hold hands with so.much.more. that is not.
there is more going on with others than i can see or know. just like with me.

And how important it is to live and communicate
Encouragement. not judgement.
Affirmation. not condemnation.


Trying to prove myself to others,
trying to convince them of something.
ANYthing...
is exhausting.

*as amber mentioned so eloquently here. it's worth rereading when you have a chance.*


and not only that?

It's a set up to embarrass myself.
yes it is.
I've proved it.
Here. let me convince you.

So in at the Triple A agency, I paid the stupid fee for the record of my driving history.
"It'll be in by 10:30 am tomorrow."
I walked out and climbed into my-too-fast-mini-van.
Automatically I checked this way and that,
i'm sure that i did ;)put the gear into reverse, removed my foot from the brake and the van started to move...
HONK!HONK!HONK!
where in the world did that big fed-ex truck come from that's right behind me that i just ohmyword almost hit?

I tried not to glance at the window of the business that I had just patronized.

sheesh.
Well. now. that was convincing.




I really am a safe driver.

really.
i am.