I ate some of them one by one.
Then I was adventuresome and mixed flavors.
I happily shared them with everyone that knew about them.
It was therapeutic I tell ya.
I had just finished running errands and had a few minutes before needing to pick up children at awana.
I ate the entire bag.
(hey! it was a mini bag.)
It cost $1.69 for about 15 minutes of therapy. now that's a bargain.
I could try to sound all spiritual and go "into therapy" from that direction. but that wouldn't be what happened and I am not very good at sounding like something I'm not either. I talked to God, probably a quick, "Hi!" and a little demanding, "What were you thinking???" but...I was just mostly eating (the therapy part
) and thinking alot about the day before. and also trying not to. 
~ Christmas eve before churchIt had been One of Those Days. And the ending of it just.just.just. there are no words folks.
That night after Bible stories, snuggles, telling 'em their teeth might rot right out of their heads if they don't start brushing better *kidding*, sweet hugs, kisses and then tucking Sarah and Jake into their beds, I turned to leave. My older boys were waiting downstairs.
"Mom?" Jacob calls.
I came back."Mom. I don't like that shirt you have on..." (oh?)
"...or your hair." (oh.) 
I carefully communicated sarcastic gratefulness, understanding and total agreement of the aforementioned and left the room. (I am cracking up at what he said as I write this, but then? not so much.) Kevin The Vacuum Man's words popped into my head. Even my dirt is wrong. How much more wrong-er can you get than that?
(The Wrong Dirt Club is lonely. I don't know ANYone else like that. At least not yet.)
Once downstairs though, my disheartened self became alarmed! I smelled FIRE!!! Not fire, as in how we heat the house with wood and coal fire. But FIRE!!! Like immediately investigate and evacuate FIRE!!! And dear God help me decide which to do first FIRE!!! (I don't like to rouse just tucked in kids unecessarily.)
Don't think that I am overreacting. I am reacting but not OVER. I have, with the helping hands of guardian angels and the Holy Spirit taking over my brain, saved two different structures, in two completely separate incidences from destruction armed only with fire extinguishers and probably loud screaming. And then there's the story behind the plastic electrical cover hanging on our Christmas tree as a memorial to divine intervention. There's that too. so. no. no OVERreaction from me.
My investigation was short. I am real quick with bambi-innocent-eyes worn by teenage boys. There had been some experiment (yet another) that included flames and adolescent flatus. I crumbled. Inside and out. Not just because of a preschooler's words or another evening of juvenile antics. No. There had been much more than what I mentioned here to consume my energy and weary my spirit.
~ after church with our friends Wayne and Pearl.
Earlier in the day I had run across some old journals from 2004. Back when I had been faithfully consistent with writing. (at least for a season. because that's how I am with consistent. faithful. but for a season. and yes that could explain some of my other troubles. but let me go there. not you.
)I enjoyed reading about experiences and what I was learning at that time. But was taken aback at how much is still the same! My thoughts and desires for change...in myself, marriage, our children, church, life... much the same. much the same...as today. Like these excerpts;
"how do i not become or feel like a control freak when they don't use common sense? i feel like i am always on their case for everything. i feel alot of despair today."
"...all this behavior makes me feel like a failure as a mom."
"no. they don't use their heads and yet when they do try, i probably don't notice or it's not good enough. i need to back off and i don't know how."
"a practical expression of loving God is to love my neighbor."
"...loving biblically? i'm not."
"somebody peed in the egg collecting bucket..."
"...even in the OT God made it clear that obedience from the heart was much more important...[than sacrifice]"
"...my desire for education was never as great as my desire to have children...i think that an education would be a tangible success tho'..."
"...anger comes usually not over the incident or acts of disobedience...but their refusal to take responsibility."
lists about "things i do to please [The Farmer]...things that i should do more often..."
"happy birthday dear Jesus..."
I also read that a friend told me that the thing she dislikes most about me is my low self-esteem.
(dislikes MOST? you mean, there's more? like a LIST? my word. is it alphabetized?)
(i have things about me i dislike most. do i ever! but to have someone else word it that way...was... disheartening.)
You know, I don't even remember anyone saying that. Is that evidence of my Biblical forgiveness? :) or amnesia? sometimes us Christians get those two all twisted up with what we demand or want from others.
~ the after picture on Christmas morning
So much the same. rather sobering it was. (although i don't recall anyone peeing in the egg bucket recently.)
I still need lots of change *some of the exact same changes* and lots of growth inside of me. I'm still hoping for changes in my circumstances and with those around me. I am still being criticized with tearing down words. And still trying to wrap my mind and heart around His love, grace and forgiveness for me...and how I am to communicate that to others.
I could write alot about MANY new and good things. I could wrap up this post with cheer. I could thank Him here for a roof over my head, food on the table and shoes on my feet...and all that I love about this family and my friends. But I am not.
~my favorite daughter :) ~my new ornament for this year, flip flops! a reminder of precious friends
I'm needing to be doing some more of that IRL first.
So I'll include this journal entry from Monday July 19, 2004 instead.
"Dear Lord,
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped,
lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish
or been self-indulgent. I have not whined, cursed or
entertained evil thoughts.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes,
and I will need alot more help after that.Amen."
~quoted from a book called "reflections" by b.bush
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