Today

I am feeling reflective.

Today is May 17th.

It is Thursday.

I know that May 17th was on a Thursday in 1984.

Twenty eight years ago.

Today.

I can't tell you much about that day until around 6pm.

I know what I was doing. where I was standing. then sitting. 
I can see the color of the carpet, dad's desk. his chair. 

I can see me like I am really there again. feeling it. living it.   
I can see me from a bird's eye view. and can narrate in the third person.




I always knew that I was adopted. meaning, I don't remember not knowing. It was never a secret.
What Mom and Dad emphasized was that I was their daughter. and loved. truly.

I never really blogged about it until last year, here. and only because I never get around to blogging about alot of things. that's why.

My parents adopted babies in the late 1960's. It was a different time. and birth mothers rights were terminated sooner rather than later.
Papers were signed. stamped. and then records sealed. the door on the details closed. and locked. permanently.

So 28 years ago on this day when my birth mother called me out of the clear blue...
we were more than shocked.

It was not something anticipated. at all. ever.

Ever.

I'd like to say that it was such a great thing at that age. how well it all went.
But I can't.

It wasn't quite that way. 

But I can say...

that in it. and through it. there have been great things. really.

Because that Is Who He Is. and that Is What He Does.

I'll admit. I've wept today...
sad tears. happy tears. both. and lots of them.

tears of relief. release. even rest.

tears because of His Presence.
where I know I am His Beloved.
tears from seeing that Grace has a Face....
over and over and over.
and it's His.
It's His.
His Face.
And I've seen it shining through yours. and yours. and yours.

So I have tears of gratefulness too.




You can listen to Jason Gray's "Remind Me Who I am,"
Here.I liked this song alot when I first heard it a few months ago. until I saw this video. and then I fell in love with it. I already shared it on facebook, but when it started playing on the radio this morning, I felt like it fit today.





"Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, Who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You
to You."


I am His beloved.
You are His beloved.
We are His beloved.

and that is something to celebrate.

Today.


and I am.

I looked out my window...

I looked out of my window a few weeks ago and saw this...



Four men walking back across the pasture towards the house... after checking on our newborn twin calves.
The three in black are mine; The Farmer, Jared and Ben. The remaining one is our friend Michael.

I ran to get my camera to snap this picture. had to.
Even knowing that it wouldn't turn out clear; shooting through a window and with the distance involved.
Still. I needed to capture the moment.

And quickly.

As parenting and mom-ish cliches popped into my head.
They grow up so fast. times flies. don't blink or you'll miss it. The days are long and the years are short.

You've heard 'em. and now. already. dear God. I'm not only thinking them...
I'm the old enough mom to know... that they are all true. :)



Because seriously. in some ways, on some days. it feels like it WAS just yesterday...
that I was the girl wearing tent-like maternity dresses. a few of us did back then. ;)
the young first time mom with sososo much joy. overwhelmed with love. and many questions. changing diapers. smelling like spit up. winding the baby swing.

(that winding thing dates me too. snicker. anyone else, remember swings without batteries?)
...then a second baby boy. more joy. more love. more questions.
my heart fuller than my hands would ever be. :)
nursing an infant while the toddler was either trying to sit on my lap with a book, 
making suggestions about the flavors mommy was providing the baby,
or getting into things in another room.
like eating the supplemental iron tablets put high in a cupboard out reach. playing with postage stamps like stickers.
raiding and emptying and moving things like a little aggressive warrior on a mission.

a training mission.

I thought they were in training...
hahahahahahahaha.
At least before I had kids I thought that's how it worked.
But we all were.
ARE. still. in training. yes indeed.
they have taught me so much.





Little boys that just yesterday looked like this...

and were insisting that not changing their underwear was "helping with laundry."
I remember proud announcements about new found skills, "I was multi-tasking mom! I brushed my teeth and peed at the same time!"
and who knew? that I would need to be saying things like, don't drool in your brother's hair! don't pee in the trash can! just what.is.that. dripping from the light fixture? who cut the screen door? why is there an entire hot dog floating in the toilet? and sand and water in your dad's new work boots?

who knew? that I could get so angry. or laugh so hard.
or that the roles, job and people that I had wanted more than anything would reveal my own need for Him like almost nothing else.

I had little boys who played with imaginary friends, legos and farm toys. loved tea, scones and John Deere. (who doesn't?! ) and wanted to grow up to drive tractors, fly planes and drink coffee just like daddy. inventive boys. the kind that found mud and sticks to be great entertainment. and bit sandwiches into gun shapes to shoot at their vegetables.

Boys who thought heaven sounded wonderful without a naptime and bedtime (while their mother did not ) and wanted to know if their bicycles would be there. and spiders. boys who gave their hearts to Jesus. loving Him back. and had me flat out proud some days and on my knees as well, crying out to Jesus in desperation to please. please help us. wondering how we would ever make it.

Be Micah 6:8 men. above all else. He loves you. walk with Him. 



I remember hearing happy birthday mommy just about all year long as it was the most heartfelt, sincerest wish for having a great day that they could think of. I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. how ipecac works. and am grateful for the nice nurses in the emergency department. everytime.
My little boys liked when the "pretty sunset was up" and often picked flowers for me. They hated writing. and most academics. but loved reading. climbing. ramping. hanging. jumping. riding. and woke up at an unthinkable early hour, eight days a week, all year long, almost without fail... until recently when they started turning into man size people.

Man size people.
Which is why I took that first picture.
I'm not sure when it happened. but it did.
My little boys turned into man size people.




Look at them! taller than me now. and hairy. :) with deep voices. and almost "out of the door." I cannot even believe it.

They grow up so fast. times flies. don't blink or you'll miss it. The days are long and the years are short.Jared, Ben and I ran a half marathon recently with our friend at journey. and they were awesome!
It became way more than training and running together. thankyouthankyouJesus.
Because with all of their interests, accomplishments and abilities that can both scare and thrill my heart,
there's nothing so precious as knowing that your sons are literally breathing "He is with me."
So grown up. and yet...
still growING up.
BeING and becomING.

like their mother. and with their mother. ;)
As a mom, I'm not less busy. but different busy. with my heart still fuller than my hands.
Still sososo much joy. overwhelmed with love. and many questions.
Still flat out proud of them some days and on my knees as well,
crying out to Jesus in desperation to please. please help us. wondering how we will ever make it.

Be Micah 6:8 men. above all else. He loves you. walk with Him. 





Since we make boys in july... we just recently celebrated the birthdays of all three.
So I'm sharing my littlest boy here too.





can't leave Sarah out, even in a post about boys!





Jacob, our youngest, is seven now. which means that he really isn't little little.
But please don't tell me that. shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. because I already know...

They grow up so fast. times flies. don't blink or you'll miss it. The days are long and the years are short.



Be Micah 6:8 men. above all else.
He loves you. walk with Him.

A Little Titanic Date and Dr. Ballard

i had a date the other day.

everytime we do, i'm thinking... why doesn't this happen more often?
and with each of the precious people in my family.some good ole one on one. we need it.

and i know why. when i hear or read something about recognizing priorities and being all intentional,
i'm the one nodding my head and raising my hand, yep. gotta be that.  
but funny how intentional i need to be about being intentional. anyone...?

i had found info about a museum exhibit and lecture in d.c. and he was totally into both.
differences can be part of the fun in relationships for sure. sometimes. ;) it's also very cool...what all we have in common.

we took the day. just the two of us.
had lunch at our fav d.c. restaurant.
i can't write that without laughing. it's a favorite, that's true.
but it's also like almost the only one we've ever been to in the city.

it was wonderful. delicious mexican food. good conversation...
and of course we mentioned missing the others back home.
something felt nice about missing them. ya know? :)
but i gotta skip ahead here.
because i'm so excited!
we had the best seats at the lecture.
The Best.

          
first row. in front of the podium.
i just had to stick my foot in a picture for perspective.
i'm classy like that when i get out. ;)


this is what we saw during the q&a time, we were that close.
it was this or we were looking up his nostrils. lucky ducky us.

but now to back up a bit...
while i had ordered timed tickets for the titanic exhibit at the national geographic museum,
i had only found about the lecture given by dr. robert ballard after it was sold out.
big bummer.
but learned about their "stand by" line. i could, it was suggested, try that.
they fill the auditorium and then at the last minute sell tickets for the leftover seats IF there are no-shows.
same $$$. veeery pricey. 
we typically attend more cost-effective lectures...like the free ones. ha.
but when i talked it over with The Farmer, he agreed, especially with an upcoming birthday, it should be given a try.

all righty then.

and while i have had a number of dr. ballard fans in this family for years,
*my jacob was about four years old when he would lay in bed at night
wondering aloud what dr. ballard's mother looked like.*
i realize that most might be thinking... *yawn* WHO?!!! *yawn* :) as i know that history isn't everyone's thing.  
  
dr. robert ballard is an oceanographer who is probably best known for his discovery of the titanic wreck in 1985. but there's so much more that is completely fascinating about him as a person and his amazing career...here and here.


informative. sobering. and fun too. the exhibit included interactive displays, movie props and some detailed models of the titanic then and now.
we loveloveloved it. it did not however, include anything salvaged. dr. ballard is passionate about the site being respected as a graveyard
and there is currently a legislative process being pursued to protect it.



yes. with being gone all day, lunch out, the visit to the museum, a lecture...
it was actually a Big Big Date.
but i'm calling it a little titanic date
because my date himself was little. when we got home, my date's dad, a.k.a. The Farmer,
came out and carried jacob in---sleeping---from the van.



funfunfun with my six year old date. a fancy shmancy looking reception was being set up as the museum was closing. apparently the list of invitees is based
on something other than passionate intensity and enthusiasm *donor dollars maybe?* ;) because we weren't included.



out in the courtyard, eyes closed...throwing in coins. making a wish, he said. :)



little did we know...




how little boy wishes...and prayers would be answered.

i had no idea that jacob's interaction and connection with another young fan
would ripple effect our entire evening like it did.
*m* and his mom saved us seats.
that's why us two from the standby line sat in the front row in a "first come first serve" seating designation.
jacob and i were #'s two and three in that line.
one nice man was ahead of us. he was very patient with the chatty patty and her son that he was next to.
and someone gave tickets that they could not use to the first three people, emphatically refusing payment.
gave. three.
and...we "happened" to cross paths with dr. ballard in the gift shop when *m* forgot his boat model and ran back to get it. giving us precious time for autographs and pictures.
thank you Jesus.
thank you Jesus.
thank you Jesus.



sunday, april 15, 2012 is the 100th anniversary of the titanic tragedy.

but like dr. ballard had shared...it's not about a ship.

it's the people. each one an individual. a life. and valuable.
their shoes are still there, lined up together on the ocean floor.
The gift of today is TITANIC
i.e. powerful: of extraordinary power, scope, or impressiveness

"choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve"
in my thoughts. words. actions.
breathing Him in. breathing Him out.



"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly  [titanically] :) above all that we ask or think,
according to the power that worketh in us..." Ephesians 3:20
choosing! intentionally. who i serve.

and yes. who i will date. ;)

i didn't know what a gift those last minute free tickets included...
until the next day when i pulled them out of my purse.
if i had had them on ahead, i might have actually read them. but i didn't.
clearly printed were the words, "Audience photography...is prohibited."

ooops.
gulp. i cringed a bit. feeling silly.
thinking of my happy self snapping away with my little point and shoot camera. oh dear.so glad for the gift of innocence. and the pics i have because of it!!! :D




and if you have a minute, i'd love to hear about your fav date memory.